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Urban Myths At The Oscars
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OscarsThe Oscars are on and even Cablevision cannot prevent millions of households from viewing the broadcast that is simultaneously both the best and worst TV show of the year.  Steve Martin, who hasn’t been funny since John Candy stuck his hand up his ass in “Trains, Planes and Automobiles”  is awful as usual, and Alec Baldwin, who is still funny, cant seem to save the bad script as he is still recovering from being on the second worst TV show of the year, which was Jerry Seinfeld’s God-awful “The Marriage Ref.”

What is it with comedians over the age of 40 who think telling jokes about Meryl Streep who must be at least 70 by now will appeal to the 18-24 audience with an IQ that’s similar to their age?

Oscar Myth #1: All Dead Celebrities Are Created Equal

The “special Tribute” to dead director John Hughes (Ferris Bueller, The Breakfast Club, Home Alone, all those brat packers) at least cleared up one rumor; Molly Ringwald really is dead!

Molly and Matthew Broderick introduced the video tribute to the director who gave them their start and best roles to date, and we haven’t seen Matt look so uncomfortable since the media treated him like Sarah Jessica’s arm candy on the red carpet just a few hours before.

Molly Ringwald could barely get the words out of her mouth and Matthew looked like he wanted to run off the stage before her little red head exploded. She’as not dead in the flesh, just upstairs, and in why the hell was she so nervous?  maybe because she hasn’t been on TV in 20 years? RELAX MOLLY, AT LEAST YOUR HAIR IS STILL RED.

So why did the Academy decide to make dead John Hughes more important than all the other dead celebrities? Answer: To get a YouTube/Twitter moment. And to get a close up of Macaulay Culkin’s Angelina Jolie-like puffy lips, always good for ratings.

Precious CastOscar Myth #2: The Academy Hates Black People

Sorry Spike Lee, the Academy is handing out Oscars nominations to black people faster than the NY Knicks give away turnovers.  Precious is cleaning up, Mo’Nique won best supporting Actress, Sandra Bullock is the best-actress favorite for “The Blind Side” which is about a black guy,  and “Avatar” (which features blue people) lead the field with 9 nominations.

Then there is Gabourey Sidibe in Precious, Morgan Freeman in Invictus, all serious actors in serios minded movies. They don’t hate black people. just black stereotypes–are you listening Tyler Perry???

Oscar Myth #3: Sarah Jessica Parker has no Boobs

Sarah  Jessica Parkers Boobs

Sarah Jessica either has a very tight dress on or she really does have boobs. Unfortunately Ferris Bueller doesn’t seem to have noticed.

Oscar Myth #4: Quentin Tarantino Really Is  A Great  Movie Maker. Really.

Which explains why he is getting shut out of all the major categories while Hurt Locker puts a hurting on his juvenile interpretation of movie making. One exception is best supporting actor for Christop Waltz, but we know that since Mel Brooks made The Producers Hollywood cannot seem to resist a good Nazi.

Oscar Myth #5: The Oscar Will Never Go To  a Female Director or an Iraq War  Movie

Wrong on both counts. Kathryn Bigelow for THE HURT LOCKER #Oscars won! See you next year Quentin T. Maybe if you make another gross ninja movie and cut off Uma Thurman’s head they will give you a nice statue.

 

 

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Giovanni
Best selling author, connoisseur of pop culture, and professional Urban Mythologist, debunking your life since whenever.

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