Now Reading
Is This For Real? Donald Trump’s Toast at Ivanka’s Wedding

Is This For Real? Donald Trump’s Toast at Ivanka’s Wedding

by GiovanniSeptember 30, 2016

Ivanka Trump WeddingA Transcript of Donald Trump’s toast at his daughter Ivanka’s wedding has been circulating, and it reads like a father who had a few drinks too many. The problem is, Donald Trump does;t drink alcohol! So is the transcript real, or an urban myth? Below is the alleged transcript. You decide:

Okay, everybody, listen up.  Listen up. Good to see so many nice people here and isn’t this a beautiful golf course?  I built it in record time, by the way, and no debt.  Totally debt free.  Built it with Filipino workers. Great people, the Filipinos. Hard workers and when they complain about low wages, you can’t understand them.  Last year this course was ranked Number One in the world by people who rank things.

And I love people who rank things.  They’re amazing people. How ‘bout this food?  Great stuff.  Trump Steaks.  Trump Wine.  Trump Water.  Trump Radicchio.  Trump Truffles. Trump Aspic.  Beautiful food.  And if you’re feeling a little extra peppy, that’s because the room is filled with my newest product — Trump Oxygen.

What a turnout!  Some great people here. There’s Tommy LaSorda.  What an amazing, amazing talent.  He’s definitely my main paisan.  The great entertainer Tony Danza is here.  If you get a chance, check out his one-man show at the Palace Theater in Hoboken.  Tremendous dancing and great patter.  I love patter.

And over there — Pete Rose.  Just a great, great human being.  Who, by the way, should be in the Hall of Fame.  Him not being in there is a disaster.  A total disaster.  He bet on some baseball games, big deal.

So my beautiful Ivanka got married today.  And, trust me, if I wasn’t her father I’d tap that ass.  But she married Jared, a very nice Jewish boy.  Hundreds of people have come up to me and said, ‘Mr. Trump, do you feel like you’re losing a daughter?  And I say, no, I feel like I’m gaining an accountant.’

Because the Jews are great with numbers.  Believe me, I know.  I’ve negotiated some of my best deals with some very tough Jews.  Very tough.  And I love the Jews.  I love everybody.

I love the Spanish.  I love the Dutch. I love the blacks.  Look at this black kid clearing the dishes, he loves me.  My caddie here at the club, DeSean Something, he’s black and he loves me.  So I look out for him.  I just got him a scholarship at Trump University.  An amazing school, by the way.  Just incredible.  I predict in three years they’ll be calling us the “Harvard of Hotel Ballroom Seminars.”

I just realized I forgot to say “hello” to Burt Bacharach sitting right over there.  A tremendous song writer.  He knows the way to San Jose.  Am I right, Burt? Thanks for being here.  And I’m sorry your partner Hal David couldn’t be here today because he’s on life support.  So many great memories on a day like today.

I remember when Ivanka got her first training bra.  I remember when her baby making hips started to spread.  I remember our first kiss.

Hey, I almost forgot, I love the Fiji Islanders.  Beautiful people with smooth skin.  And they’ll practically work for nothing.  I literally paid some of them with peanuts.  The foreman got cashews.

You know, in recent years, several business publications have questioned my wealth.  Believe me, I am very, very rich.  I have so much money your head will spin.

And I want to remind you, Jared, you signed a pre-nup. Smart move by Ivanka, right?  Smart move.  And what a rack she has on her, that one.  She’s a winner.

But here’s my point — always get a pre-nup. I was building a hotel once in Kuala Lumpur, and I love the Lumpurians, amazing people who go through life wearing loincloths, and this hotel was built on time and under budget and I sold it three years later for a yuge profit and a year after that the whole building was wiped out by the tsunami, everybody in the hotel was drowned or impaled by railroad spikes, one guy was even eaten by a water buffalo, an amazing animal, basically a cow that likes to get wet, but I made a tremendous profit, so the lesson is this — get a pre-nup.  How ‘bout a hand for this great band!

The Peter Duchin Orchestra.  Boy, did I negotiate a great deal with these guys.  Believe me, they got totally taken for a ride.  Now some of you have complained about the fact that we have a cash bar today.  Give me a break!  What am I, some kind of non-profit?

I have to wrap up because I rented this room to the Mancuso wedding — at a 50 percent mark-up, by the way — and they’ll be here in about five minutes.  Hey, I just noticed Wayne Newton is here.  Doesn’t he look great?  I don’t know how he stays so young.  But he’s an incredible human being and an amazing singer.  Just incredible.  ‘Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast.’  ‘Danke Schoen.’  Big, big hits.  Tremendous music.  Better than the Beatles in my book.

And let’s be real, the Beatles were a disaster.  A total disaster.  So…to Ivanka and Jerry….what?…it’s Jared?…okay, let’s raise a glass to Ivanka and Jared…Matzoh Toast!  Drink up everybody and then head over to the coat room.  The Number One ranked coat room in the world, by the way.”

The Verdict: It’s an urban myth, which was originally posted on the Daily Kos and was identified by the authoras snark. But Donald Trump says so many things just like this, its hard to tell the difference between fact and fiction.



About The Author
Best selling author, connoisseur of pop culture, and professional Urban Mythologist, debunking your life since whenever.

Leave a Response