Team Tiger says the “leaked” transcript of his long-awaited apology is as fake as all of the plastic boobs he’s become all too accustomed to. In it he says he and Elin will be splitting up and that he will return to play golf at The Masters. And then he says he is sorry, but if he really was sorry what took him three months to say so?
Of course if Tiger Woods’ media statement is going to be leaked, it might as well end up in the hands of a country & western radio station in Asheville, NC. WKSF FM 99.9. But we may never know if it was the real thing or not, since Tiger’s handlers can re-write it before Friday’s fake press conference during which no questions may be asked and only those close to Tiger will be there, with the exception of the majority of those women who he has most recently been sleeping with, of course.
Here’s the transcript with our edits of what Tiger would probably be thinking while he reads this fake apology highlighted in yellow:
“Directly to the point (and y’all know how much I like getting right to the point) there is no one to blame but me for the mess I have put my wife and family through. I accept total and complete responsibility.
My wife and I have been trying to work things out but sadly things have not worked out. Again all the blame is upon me.” “We have decided to live apart (but not for long, I’m moving in with Mistresses 1 through 10, tomorrow!) with me having mutually agreed upon times when I can be with our children. I know that the world wants all the details of what transpired in our marriage. (Not to mention what happened outside our marriage, in Vegas, in Dubai, in the back of an SUV in Bangkok etc) but that is between my wife and I and will remain that way. (Although I am sure that lawyer Gloria Allred will be filling in more of the X-rated details you horn dogs are so hungry to hear about).
I have to get on my life and that means playing golf again. (Plus I need to find a few new Casinos that won’t bust me when I pic up their cocktail waitresses.)
I have contacted The Masters and have informed them that my plan is to resume The Masters and they have said that they would welcome me with open arms. (No pun intended. Ok, pun intended!)
For that I am most grateful for I deserve nothing. (Well, maybe I deserve a few hundred million more from all you sucker sponsors who think any of this is really true) Finally I want to thank all my fans around the world for standing by me when I let you down horribly. I failed all of you about as badly as a person can. I apologize to everyone of you. I promise all of you that you will see a new Tiger Woods, a better Tiger Woods and I will not let you down. Now I’d like, by the grace of God and with His help, to get back to what I do best and that is playing golf. See you all at The Masters. God Bless you all. Tiger Woods.”